Chapter XLVIII: Of what befell don Quixote with dona Rodriguez, the duchess's duenna, together with other occurrences worthy of record and eternal remembrance

Exceedingly moody and dejected was the sorely wounded Don Quixote, withhis face bandaged and marked, not by the hand of God, but by the claws ofa cat, mishaps incidental to knight-errantry.

Six days he remained without appearing in public, and one night as he layawake thinking of his misfortunes and of Altisidora's pursuit of him, heperceived that some one was opening the door of his room with a key, andhe at once made up his mind that the enamoured damsel was coming to makean assault upon his chastity and put him in danger of failing in thefidelity he owed to his lady Dulcinea del Toboso. "No," said he, firmlypersuaded of the truth of his idea (and he said it loud enough to beheard), "the greatest beauty upon earth shall not avail to make merenounce my adoration of her whom I bear stamped and graved in the coreof my heart and the secret depths of my bowels; be thou, lady mine,transformed into a clumsy country wench, or into a nymph of golden Tagusweaving a web of silk and gold, let Merlin or Montesinos hold theecaptive where they will; whereer thou art, thou art mine, and where'er Iam, must be thine." The very instant he had uttered these words, the dooropened. He stood up on the bed wrapped from head to foot in a yellowsatin coverlet, with a cap on his head, and his face and his moustachestied up, his face because of the scratches, and his moustaches to keepthem from drooping and falling down, in which trim he looked the mostextraordinary scarecrow that could be conceived. He kept his eyes fixedon the door, and just as he was expecting to see the love-smitten andunhappy Altisidora make her appearance, he saw coming in a most venerableduenna, in a long white-bordered veil that covered and enveloped her fromhead to foot. Between the fingers of her left hand she held a shortlighted candle, while with her right she shaded it to keep the light fromher eyes, which were covered by spectacles of great size, and sheadvanced with noiseless steps, treading very softly.

Don Quixote kept an eye upon her from his watchtower, and observing hercostume and noting her silence, he concluded that it must be some witchor sorceress that was coming in such a guise to work him some mischief,and he began crossing himself at a great rate. The spectre stilladvanced, and on reaching the middle of the room, looked up and saw theenergy with which Don Quixote was crossing himself; and if he was scaredby seeing such a figure as hers, she was terrified at the sight of his;for the moment she saw his tall yellow form with the coverlet and thebandages that disfigured him, she gave a loud scream, and exclaiming,"Jesus! what's this I see?" let fall the candle in her fright, and thenfinding herself in the dark, turned about to make off, but stumbling onher skirts in her consternation, she measured her length with a mightyfall.

Don Quixote in his trepidation began saying, "I conjure thee, phantom, orwhatever thou art, tell me what thou art and what thou wouldst with me.If thou art a soul in torment, say so, and all that my powers can do Iwill do for thee; for I am a Catholic Christian and love to do good toall the world, and to this end I have embraced the order ofknight-errantry to which I belong, the province of which extends to doinggood even to souls in purgatory."

The unfortunate duenna hearing herself thus conjured, by her own fearguessed Don Quixote's and in a low plaintive voice answered, "Senor DonQuixote--if so be you are indeed Don Quixote--I am no phantom or spectreor soul in purgatory, as you seem to think, but Dona Rodriguez, duenna ofhonour to my lady the duchess, and I come to you with one of thosegrievances your worship is wont to redress."

"Tell me, Senora Dona Rodriguez," said Don Quixote, "do you perchancecome to transact any go-between business? Because I must tell you I amnot available for anybody's purpose, thanks to the peerless beauty of mylady Dulcinea del Toboso. In short, Senora Dona Rodriguez, if you willleave out and put aside all love messages, you may go and light yourcandle and come back, and we will discuss all the commands you have forme and whatever you wish, saving only, as I said, all seductivecommunications."

"I carry nobody's messages, senor," said the duenna; "little you know me.Nay, I'm not far enough advanced in years to take to any such childishtricks. God be praised I have a soul in my body still, and all my teethand grinders in my mouth, except one or two that the colds, so common inthis Aragon country, have robbed me of. But wait a little, while I go andlight my candle, and I will return immediately and lay my sorrows beforeyou as before one who relieves those of all the world;" and withoutstaying for an answer she quitted the room and left Don Quixotetranquilly meditating while he waited for her. A thousand thoughts atonce suggested themselves to him on the subject of this new adventure,and it struck him as being ill done and worse advised in him to exposehimself to the danger of breaking his plighted faith to his lady; andsaid he to himself, "Who knows but that the devil, being wily andcunning, may be trying now to entrap me with a duenna, having failed withempresses, queens, duchesses, marchionesses, and countesses? Many a timehave I heard it said by many a man of sense that he will sooner offer youa flat-nosed wench than a roman-nosed one; and who knows but thisprivacy, this opportunity, this silence, may awaken my sleeping desires,and lead me in these my latter years to fall where I have never tripped?In cases of this sort it is better to flee than to await the battle. ButI must be out of my senses to think and utter such nonsense; for it isimpossible that a long, white-hooded spectacled duenna could stir up orexcite a wanton thought in the most graceless bosom in the world. Isthere a duenna on earth that has fair flesh? Is there a duenna in theworld that escapes being ill-tempered, wrinkled, and prudish? Avaunt,then, ye duenna crew, undelightful to all mankind. Oh, but that lady didwell who, they say, had at the end of her reception room a couple offigures of duennas with spectacles and lace-cushions, as if at work, andthose statues served quite as well to give an air of propriety to theroom as if they had been real duennas."

So saying he leaped off the bed, intending to close the door and notallow Senora Rodriguez to enter; but as he went to shut it SenoraRodriguez returned with a wax candle lighted, and having a closer view ofDon Quixote, with the coverlet round him, and his bandages and night-cap,she was alarmed afresh, and retreating a couple of paces, exclaimed, "AmI safe, sir knight? for I don't look upon it as a sign of very greatvirtue that your worship should have got up out of bed."

"I may well ask the same, senora," said Don Quixote; "and I do askwhether I shall be safe from being assailed and forced?"

"Of whom and against whom do you demand that security, sir knight?" saidthe duenna.

"Of you and against you I ask it," said Don Quixote; "for I am notmarble, nor are you brass, nor is it now ten o'clock in the morning, butmidnight, or a trifle past it I fancy, and we are in a room more secludedand retired than the cave could have been where the treacherous anddaring AEneas enjoyed the fair soft-hearted Dido. But give me your hand,senora; I require no better protection than my own continence, and my ownsense of propriety; as well as that which is inspired by that venerablehead-dress;" and so saying he kissed her right hand and took it in hisown, she yielding it to him with equal ceremoniousness. And here CideHamete inserts a parenthesis in which he says that to have seen the pairmarching from the door to the bed, linked hand in hand in this way, hewould have given the best of the two tunics he had.

Don Quixote finally got into bed, and Dona Rodriguez took her seat on achair at some little distance from his couch, without taking off herspectacles or putting aside the candle. Don Quixote wrapped thebedclothes round him and covered himself up completely, leaving nothingbut his face visible, and as soon as they had both regained theircomposure he broke silence, saying, "Now, Senora Dona Rodriguez, you mayunbosom yourself and out with everything you have in your sorrowful heartand afflicted bowels; and by me you shall be listened to with chasteears, and aided by compassionate exertions."

"I believe it," replied the duenna; "from your worship's gentle andwinning presence only such a Christian answer could be expected. The factis, then, Senor Don Quixote, that though you see me seated in this chair,here in the middle of the kingdom of Aragon, and in the attire of adespised outcast duenna, I am from the Asturias of Oviedo, and of afamily with which many of the best of the province are connected byblood; but my untoward fate and the improvidence of my parents, who, Iknow not how, were unseasonably reduced to poverty, brought me to thecourt of Madrid, where as a provision and to avoid greater misfortunes,my parents placed me as seamstress in the service of a lady of quality,and I would have you know that for hemming and sewing I have never beensurpassed by any all my life. My parents left me in service and returnedto their own country, and a few years later went, no doubt, to heaven,for they were excellent good Catholic Christians. I was left an orphanwith nothing but the miserable wages and trifling presents that are givento servants of my sort in palaces; but about this time, without anyencouragement on my part, one of the esquires of the household fell inlove with me, a man somewhat advanced in years, full-bearded andpersonable, and above all as good a gentleman as the king himself, for hecame of a mountain stock. We did not carry on our loves with such secrecybut that they came to the knowledge of my lady, and she, not to have anyfuss about it, had us married with the full sanction of the holy motherRoman Catholic Church, of which marriage a daughter was born to put anend to my good fortune, if I had any; not that I died in childbirth, forI passed through it safely and in due season, but because shortlyafterwards my husband died of a certain shock he received, and had I timeto tell you of it I know your worship would be surprised;" and here shebegan to weep bitterly and said, "Pardon me, Senor Don Quixote, if I amunable to control myself, for every time I think of my unfortunatehusband my eyes fill up with tears. God bless me, with what an air ofdignity he used to carry my lady behind him on a stout mule as black asjet! for in those days they did not use coaches or chairs, as they saythey do now, and ladies rode behind their squires. This much at least Icannot help telling you, that you may observe the good breeding andpunctiliousness of my worthy husband. As he was turning into the Calle deSantiago in Madrid, which is rather narrow, one of the alcaldes of theCourt, with two alguacils before him, was coming out of it, and as soonas my good squire saw him he wheeled his mule about and made as if hewould turn and accompany him. My lady, who was riding behind him, said tohim in a low voice, 'What are you about, you sneak, don't you see that Iam here?' The alcalde like a polite man pulled up his horse and said tohim, 'Proceed, senor, for it is I, rather, who ought to accompany my ladyDona Casilda'--for that was my mistress's name. Still my husband, cap inhand, persisted in trying to accompany the alcalde, and seeing this mylady, filled with rage and vexation, pulled out a big pin, or, I ratherthink, a bodkin, out of her needle-case and drove it into his back withsuch force that my husband gave a loud yell, and writhing fell to theground with his lady. Her two lacqueys ran to rise her up, and thealcalde and the alguacils did the same; the Guadalajara gate was all incommotion--I mean the idlers congregated there; my mistress came back onfoot, and my husband hurried away to a barber's shop protesting that hewas run right through the guts. The courtesy of my husband was noisedabroad to such an extent, that the boys gave him no peace in the street;and on this account, and because he was somewhat shortsighted, my ladydismissed him; and it was chagrin at this I am convinced beyond a doubtthat brought on his death. I was left a helpless widow, with a daughteron my hands growing up in beauty like the sea-foam; at length, however,as I had the character of being an excellent needlewoman, my lady theduchess, then lately married to my lord the duke, offered to take me withher to this kingdom of Aragon, and my daughter also, and here as timewent by my daughter grew up and with her all the graces in the world; shesings like a lark, dances quick as thought, foots it like a gipsy, readsand writes like a schoolmaster, and does sums like a miser; of herneatness I say nothing, for the running water is not purer, and her ageis now, if my memory serves me, sixteen years five months and three days,one more or less. To come to the point, the son of a very rich farmer,living in a village of my lord the duke's not very far from here, fell inlove with this girl of mine; and in short, how I know not, they cametogether, and under the promise of marrying her he made a fool of mydaughter, and will not keep his word. And though my lord the duke isaware of it (for I have complained to him, not once but many and many atime, and entreated him to order the farmer to marry my daughter), heturns a deaf ear and will scarcely listen to me; the reason being that asthe deceiver's father is so rich, and lends him money, and is constantlygoing security for his debts, he does not like to offend or annoy him inany way. Now, senor, I want your worship to take it upon yourself toredress this wrong either by entreaty or by arms; for by what all theworld says you came into it to redress grievances and right wrongs andhelp the unfortunate. Let your worship put before you the unprotectedcondition of my daughter, her youth, and all the perfections I have saidshe possesses; and before God and on my conscience, out of all thedamsels my lady has, there is not one that comes up to the sole of hershoe, and the one they call Altisidora, and look upon as the boldest andgayest of them, put in comparison with my daughter, does not come withintwo leagues of her. For I would have you know, senor, all is not goldthat glitters, and that same little Altisidora has more forwardness thangood looks, and more impudence than modesty; besides being not verysound, for she has such a disagreeable breath that one cannot bear to benear her for a moment; and even my lady the duchess--but I'll hold mytongue, for they say that walls have ears."

"For heaven's sake, Dona Rodriguez, what ails my lady the duchess?" askedDon Quixote.

"Adjured in that way," replied the duenna, "I cannot help answering thequestion and telling the whole truth. Senor Don Quixote, have youobserved the comeliness of my lady the duchess, that smooth complexion ofhers like a burnished polished sword, those two cheeks of milk andcarmine, that gay lively step with which she treads or rather seems tospurn the earth, so that one would fancy she went radiating healthwherever she passed? Well then, let me tell you she may thank, first ofall God, for this, and next, two issues that she has, one in each leg, bywhich all the evil humours, of which the doctors say she is full, aredischarged."

"Blessed Virgin!" exclaimed Don Quixote; "and is it possible that my ladythe duchess has drains of that sort? I would not have believed it if thebarefoot friars had told it me; but as the lady Dona Rodriguez says so,it must be so. But surely such issues, and in such places, do notdischarge humours, but liquid amber. Verily, I do believe now that thispractice of opening issues is a very important matter for the health."

Don Quixote had hardly said this, when the chamber door flew open with aloud bang, and with the start the noise gave her Dona Rodriguez let thecandle fall from her hand, and the room was left as dark as a wolf'smouth, as the saying is. Suddenly the poor duenna felt two hands seizeher by the throat, so tightly that she could not croak, while some oneelse, without uttering a word, very briskly hoisted up her petticoats,and with what seemed to be a slipper began to lay on so heartily thatanyone would have felt pity for her; but although Don Quixote felt it henever stirred from his bed, but lay quiet and silent, nay apprehensivethat his turn for a drubbing might be coming. Nor was the apprehension anidle one; one; for leaving the duenna (who did not dare to cry out) wellbasted, the silent executioners fell upon Don Quixote, and stripping himof the sheet and the coverlet, they pinched him so fast and so hard thathe was driven to defend himself with his fists, and all this inmarvellous silence. The battle lasted nearly half an hour, and then thephantoms fled; Dona Rodriguez gathered up her skirts, and bemoaning herfate went out without saying a word to Don Quixote, and he, sorelypinched, puzzled, and dejected, remained alone, and there we will leavehim, wondering who could have been the perverse enchanter who had reducedhim to such a state; but that shall be told in due season, for Sanchoclaims our attention, and the methodical arrangement of the story demandsit.